it's been four months, twelve days and 6 hours since we had an actual conversation.
it has been almost a year since my daddy hugged me
living far from family has its hardships. this is one i don't think i'll ever be okay about- even as i am thankful for a job
i wish i had known it was the last time my daddy would hold me in his arms,
the last time he shook my husband's hand and pulled him in for a hug,
the last time he held his granddaughters and grandson.
as a mama, i'm usually behind the camera. therefore, i don't have as many pictures of daddy and myself. i thankfully do have pictures of him with my children.
pictures are not enough, but pictures and memories are all i have.
i just wish i had known the sacred was touching the ordinary in that moment.
it was the last physical contact we would have
on this side of the veil.
i wish i had known so i could have changed.... everything.
doesn't everyone wish that?
but what would have changed?
i know that kind of power is something i have zero control over
it's been four months too long. next month will be five months too long. and on and on.
even with all the beauty of this world, why is it so dark on this side of Glory's veil?
i went to the spot that i feel closest to you- where the river meets the bay. i wrote you a letter, folded it into a tiny paper boat and attempted to float it away. four pages front and back of raw words and questions. i stared at it floating and then it sunk a bit- the destination of the paper boat really was inconsequential- i watched until i could not see it anymore. i can't visit your grave ten hours away, but this little spot has become a safe place for me to just remember you because i miss you like crazy.